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Six fictional restaurants I wish were real

April 1, 2014

I suffer from two fictional disorders: an advanced case of Foodie-ism and level 5 Movie Addictionitis. Sometimes, these two disorders use their wonder twin power rings to combine to make a raging two-headed beast: Fictional Restaurant Envy. It’s so serious, I think it must be a mortal fictional sin or something. To help explain this sickness a little better, here are some of the fictional restaurants I wish really existed:

1. Big Night is my favorite food movie of all time, so it makes sense that ‘Paradise’ is the fictional restaurant at which I’d most want to eat. The big Louis Prima feast nonwithstanding, I’d love to just be able to stroll into lunch and get a nice bowl of risotto lovingly prepared by Primo. He wouldn’t even need to remind me that “Sometimes the spaghetti likes to be alone.” I know, Primo, I know. However, if he wanted to hook me up with a slice of timpano, I wouldn’t turn it down.

2. I literally have to bite my tongue every time I order falafel to keep myself from saying, “Can I have a falafel with hot sauce, a side order of Baba Ghanoush and a seltzer, please?” So, I’d like to visit Mustafa’s Falafel stand from Party Girl,  so that I can do so in a judgment-free zone. I don’t think I ever have hope of dressing quite as cute as Parkey Posey, though.

3. It’s, like, impossible to get into Dorsia. Well, in the 1980s of American Psycho it was. If Patrick Bateman holds it in such high regard, it’s bound to be top notch, right? Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way, as there have been numerous iterations of Dorsia restaurants that have popped since the release of the movie. The Dorisa in NYC seems the most legit, though. I wonder how hard it is to get a table?

4. Okay, so this is a real, actual place, but if I went to the Grand Central Oyster Bar today, there’s no way I’d get quite the same experience as if I went in the heydey of Roger and Don of Mad Men. Sure, I could go and spend a day drinking martinis and eating oysters, but the ambiance just wouldn’t be the same. Hmm, maybe I actually need Roger and Don to make this experience complete. 5. I’m gonna be honest here, I didn’t even know that pit beef existed until I saw Pecker. Of course, I looked it up and now, I must have it. Basically, it’s just what it sounds like: beef cooked over an open flame-filled pit. After cooking, the beef is piled up on some white bread and covered with whatever fixings you’d like. So, someone make Memama’s Pit Beef stand from Pecker for realsies, please. Or at least find me some pit beef in Orlando.

6. Now, just because I want to eat at Der Waffle Haus does not mean I’d enjoy being dead and taking people’s souls for a living. However, this seems like such a blue collar, hearty place to get your grub on. I’d insist that Tiffany be my waitress and wonder at the random Post-its left behind by Rube and his crew. Oh, Dead Like Me you were taken from us too soon. Just like George, you never got to reach your full potential.

Honorable mentions:

  • L’Idiot from L.A. Story
  • Bluth’s Banana Stand from Arrested Development
  • Good Burger from Good Burger (Don’t judge me!)
  • Vesuvio’s from The Sopranos
  • The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

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  • JigglyBits

    Big Kahuna Burger – That IS a tasty burger!

  • geoff

    I second TRatEotU.

    Would also love to try the Loose Meat shop a la Roseanne, Melville’s seafood atop Cheers, Pop’s Diner for burgers and shakes with Jughead, or the Batteries Not Included Diner! and that spammy restaurant that always 86es baked beans.

    And I want that GD 96er at the steakhouse that almost killed John Candy.

  • SomaCowJ

    I ate Thanksgiving dinner at Alice’s Restaurant, once. Took forEVER, and the menu was quite repetitive. I’ll settle for red bagels and sneeze muffins at Central Perk.

  • Vanessa Leavitt

    Der Waffle Haus, FTW!!!

  • dannyt79

    Check out the big brains on Bits!

  • SmartAss

    Does nobody want to eat at Terminus?

  • David Hilton

    I’ve been looking for “That Hawaiian Joint” forever…