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That’s not amore: Sbarro closing massacre claims several Orlando locations

February 21, 2014
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A group of friends enjoying Sbarro in happier times (1985).

A group of friends enjoying Sbarro in happier times (1985).

“The closure of these underperforming stores will significantly improve the profitability of the company,” the chilling Darth Vader-y voice of Sbarro said in a statement this week regarding the venerable pizza chain’s decision to close 155 of their corporate-owned eateries. Here in sunny Orlando, fallen locations include the Sbarros of Fashion Square Mall, the West Oaks Mall, the Oviedo Mall, Seminole Towne Center and the Lake Square Mall; with cruel swiftness, these spots have already been wiped from Sbarro.com’s store locator map. And lo, we dab out tears with grease-stained napkins.

At least we still have the franchised Sbarro restaurants at the Mall at Millenia, the Florida Mall, the Altamonte Springs Mall, I-Drive’s Prime Outlet, the University of Central Florida Student Union, the Merritt Square Mall and Orlando International Airport. Well, we can only assume these are all franchised Sbarros. There’s an off chance some might actually be corporate stores going rogue, refusing to let profit margins and corporate groupthink deny the people of I-Drive or Altamonte Springs the coagulated cheese and tomato sauce they so richly deserve. Y’know, like that guy in the Bronx a few years ago who tried to keep his Subway sandwich shop open even though he was running a strip club out of it at night.

And p.s., before any bean busters get in here, yeah, we know that’s a still of the Fat Boys up top from Krush Groove. What, you think we were born yesterday?

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