Promises of “hookers and blow” notwithstanding (or so winked one campaign operative over a lunchtime phone line), we figured you might want to know exactly where you might join in the public thrills of victory and agonies of defeat as tonight’s primary election numbers start pouring in. You might also just want to stay in from the rain and watch Simon LeBon and Nick Rhodes make ominous shadow-gestures to the 1985 classic above, because that will probably be more fun (also, hookers and blow). We’re focusing mainly on the mayor’s race here, though there is one blanket party (BLANKET PARTY!) at Alan Grayson’s camp for the rest of the Democratic docket. We’re also not certain about Republican or Tea Parties, but if we get notice, we’ll be sure to edit them in.

Mayoral bashes:

Linda Stewart: 7 p.m. (arriving at 8 p.m.) at Legends Sports Bar & Grill on the patio, 1315 South Orange Ave.

OK, this should be a big-gay-bawdy affair that will either end in the hoarse howling of success or the smeared mascara of failure. Chances of hookers and blow? Slight (bring poppers!).

Bill Segal: planning to speak around 8:30 p.m. at Segal for Mayor HQ, 1350 Orange Ave. (near Mills intersection, next to Winnie’s Chinese, across from Einstein’s Bagels.

Campaign communications director Josh Wilson says that there will be refreshments, and, with all that Chamber money flying around, they better be good ones. Chances of hookers and blow? Moderate (more whiskey and cigars, really).

Teresa Jacobs: 6:30 p.m. at the Sonesta downtown, 60 S. Ivanhoe Blvd.

Avid schoolmarm and sometimes bitch (she claimed that we took her out of context in a recent Watermark interview; we did not) Teresa Jacobs is a probable walk in tonight’s festivities, mostly because Democrats didn’t have much to vote for primary-wise. Chances of hookers and blow? Very bad (punch and pie is likely, however… just not gay punch and pie).

Matt Falconer: 9 p.m. – 10 p.m. at Crowne Plaza Hotel, 304 W. Colonial Dr.

Custard’s last stand should at least be an entertaining spectacle, probably full of people with stretched/vacant faces who will immediately dispute the validity of the outcome despite the invalidity of their chosen candidate. Chances of hookers and blow? Pretty good, we’d say. Should numb the sting.

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Democratic Primary “Blanket” Party: 6 p.m. – 9 p.m. at Grayson Campaign Headquarters, 640 N. Hillside Ave. (downtown)

“We’ll have food, fun and your favorite Democrats!” reads the press release. So, hookers and blow, then.

AND PERHAPS THE BEST PARTY OF THEM ALL!!! (IF IT’S TRUE)

Libertarian State House District 33 candidate Franklin Perez: “Where does Libertarian Franklin Perez plan to be AFTER the Historic House District 33 Libertarian Party Primary race?” reads his presser. “I plan to be at Rachels Gentlemens Club in Casselberry from 8:30 or 9:00 PM to some unknown time. Rachels Gentlemens Club is located at: 401 State Road 436, Casselberry, FL 32707-4912″ HOOKERS AND BLOW AHOY!