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Police Beat: Shenanigans at Universal Studios

March 3, 2014

This morning’s weekend crime reports from the Orlando Police Department included the usual assortment of random criminal activity – accidental shootings, robberies, break-ins – and also this one:

On March 1, 2014, at approximately 1907 hours, units responded to 6000 Universal Blvd (Universal Studios) reference a suspicious incident. A white male was observed handwriting anti-government slogan on his 1995 Dodge Van, cutting his hair and departing the area when approached by Universal Studios security personnel. The white male was later detained, interviewed and eventually released. The blue Dodge van was inspected by OFD yielding negative results.

Apparently, the Universal parking garage was evacuated and closed after freaked-out Universal security employees spotted the van and thought that it smelled funny. After all the grief they went through over the suspicious non-incident, they trespasssed the suspect, Aaron Lucano, from Universal forever.

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  • JigglyBits

    I really can’t fault the security guard. When I was in high school, there was this guy. His name was Johnny. Johnny was a rebel. A loner. He was bad news. He was also a real cool cat.

    But there is something that not a lot of people know about Johnny, he was a hero. You see, Johnny may have been a bully, but he was a fair bully. It picked on you inversely proportional to your weakness. If you were a tough guy, Johnny would give you the worst of it. If you were weak, he might just softly punch your shoulder and call you a chucklehead.

    That was good ole Johnny.

    Johnny listened to punk rock and rockabilly music and he never took a likin to the way the government treated his grandpappy Joe. You see, Granpappy Joe was a farmer. One day that government fool came a long and took Joe’s land. Then he shot Joe. Then he took Johnny to the wayward house for wayward boys of wayward dead farmers. Even though Johnny wasn’t a wayward son of a wayward farmer (Johnny’s daddy Earl was a troubadour who was killed by one of the Dixie Chicks), Johnny still ended up in that hellhole of an orphanage.

    Johnny grew up strong and hardworking. He worked at the local garage fixin caddies and Fords. He made some dough and bought himself a make-out wagon. It was a sweet blue van. Johnny even installed bra hooks so the girls could hand up their unmentionables.

    Johnny was a rebel, but he was still a gentleman. Grandpappy Joe made sure to instill good manners in that boy’s skull.

    One day I was in the locker room and some stupid jocks decided to duct tape my buttocks together. Johnny gave them all what for! He saved my buttocks that day. I heard a story about some kid in Sherman, Illinois that had his buttocks taped together and when they removed the tape, the skin came off. So, thank goodness for Johnny.

    The jocks didn’t take too kindly to Johnny interfering in all of this. One day they ambushed Johnny. They took the keys to his van and tied him up. They threw Johnny in the back of the van, doused the vehicle with Vaseline. (She uses vaaaseline!). Wait, no, it was gasoline.

    The sheriff drove by and saw the van. He thought right away, “Why that no good Johnny, he’s rotten and he’s up to no good.”

    The sheriff walked around the van while smoking a Marlboro cigarette. He punched the side of the van and told Johnny to come out and there wouldn’t be no trouble. The sheriff had suspicions that Johnny had, at one point in time, brought the sheriff’s daughter to this spot and had her put her unmentionables on the unmentionable hook.

    When there was no answer, the sheriff says to Johnny, he says, “Well, Johnny, looks like you left your van unattended. And looks like one of your friends wants to take off all this pretty blue paint. Smells like a turpy time factory around here.”

    And the sheriff flicked his cigarette at the van and “VWAAAHBOOOOOOOOOOOOM”.

    The sheriff lost more than his eyebrows that day. He also lost his mustache, his left earlobe, his hearing, most of the nerve endings in the front of his body because polyester doesn’t burn, it kind of turns into melted chemicals that bind with human skin.

    But Johnny, rebel Johnny, government hating punk rock rockabilly Johnny… he lost everything. (Including half of the Beatles White Album, an old NWA cd, and his favorite lighter… oh… and his life.)

    And they say that Johnny has haunted that very spot since that day. And on that spot is the Universal Parking lot.