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The Onion: 9,600-mile-long megacoaster unveiled at Busch Gardens

August 14, 2014
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The Onion takes aim at theme parks today, with this story about Busch Gardens in Tampa unveiling a new roller coaster that’s 9,600 miles long and “designed to push the limits of human endurance.” The story goes on to describe a ride on “The Staminator” as a 14-day-long experience “that challenges passengers’ physical and mental resilience with elements such as a 1,500-mile straightaway, a banked curve across five Midwestern states, and interlocking corkscrews stretching from Nebraska to the West Coast.”

We know it’s satire, but we think the Onion slipped a little on this one. Everybody knows that if there were to be some kind of insane, overly ambitious theme park ride that pushed the limits of human endurance, it would be located in Orlando, not Tampa.

Seriously: World’s tallest Polercoaster, anybody?

Photo via Skyplex

Photo via Skyplex

How about a pants-peeingly tall bungee jump slingshot ride that catapults you and a friend around in a body harness with no safety equipment?

Photo by Seth Kubersky

Photo by Seth Kubersky

Fun Spot America 2013 (Photographer: Nigel Worrall)

Photo by Seth Kubersky

Or a zipline over gator-filled pools? That’s a good one, too.

Photo via Gatorland

Photo via Gatorland

Related: Before there was Disney: 29 photos of tourist attractions that were here before the Mouse

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