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Marvel rebooting Captain Citrus as totally macho dude orange

June 12, 2014
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“I think we need to do anything we can to reach a new consumer,” says Florida Citrus Commissioner Ned Hancock regarding the negotiations his organization is finalizing with Marvel Worldwide Inc. to reboot orange juice awareness mascot Captain Citrus into a character teens and pre-teens can get excited about (and whom they can also support by purchasing orange juice). The million dollar contract between the companies stands to transform the rotund and gender-neutral citrus awareness character into a muscular he-man, a la Captain America, who will extoll the virtues of his beloved OJ via a comic book Marvel plans to distribute throughout our nation’s schools.

Part of the new campaign – excuse us, Captain Citrus’s new canon – will emphasize the “Amazing 6″ qualities of orange juice: flavor, vitamin C, potassium, folic acid, the flavor compound hesperidin (which boasts cholesterol-reducing agents) and no added sugar. It is unknown if any of this sextet will be spun off into individual heart-pounding franchises.

It would be perfunctory to make a crack about how Captain Citrus fits into the Avengers movies and if he knew the truth about S.H.I.E.L.D. before Steve Rogers, but one can’t help but be hung up on the totally asinine decision to assign this anthropomorphic piece of fruit a gender. Do they really think that’s part of the problem – that this dumb cartoon they’re using to try and get kids on the OJ train is too sexually ambiguous? Are they not aware it’s the concept of a talking orange in a cape that is inherently flawed?

$1 million seems like enough money to license Hong Kong Phooey or a Power Ranger or some vaguely current low-level kid celebrity who is not a talking orange in a cape to do OJ promotion. Captain Citrus with rippling muscles and a five o’clock shadow fighting along side the Hulk is goddamn ridiculous. One of the animals from Ice Age enjoying a cool glass of citrusy run-off makes sense in every other dimension.

On the other hand, it’s not our money, so go ahead, Marvel, give Captain Citrus all the penises you want.

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