COUNCIL WATCH: Liveblogging your local government so you don’t have to deal with it
(Currently, on Orange TV, the Florida Chamber of Commerce folks are bragging about all of the things they’ve done to be “laser focused” on business, lowering taxes, etc. It’s nauseating. And the room is 2/3 empty. NO REGULATIONS!)
2:01 p.m.: Let me just make it clear that this is going to be a LOOOONNNNNNG first hour of back patting. Like this:
(1) Proclaiming National Community Development Week in the City of Orlando ALL (2) Proclaiming Volunteer Appreciation Month 2014 ALL (3) Proclaiming April as Sexual Assault Awareness Month ALL (4) Presenting Local Leadership National Service Award ALL (5) Presenting Healthy Weight Community Champion Recognition ALL
2:06 p.m.: JESUS IS HERE. We’re falling into invocation territory. “The truth sets us free… Centered in God… Prayers are for our leaders… An energy of peace and love and wisdom… ALSO HONOR OUR JEWISH BROTHERS AND SISTERS FOR PASSOVER.” Hippies. All of them.
2:08 p.m.: Mayor Dyer is the opening of a film: “Will everyone put their devices on silent or vibrate?”
2:10 p.m.: IT’S LIKE A BLOOPER REEL! “This is really getting off to a good start,” says the mayor. There are slides about “sanitary housing” through the block grant program, and, yawn. DRINK!
2:15 p.m.: Mayor Dyer has a REALLY hard time saying “CDBG”
2:17 p.m.: As a side note, I want to live in Patty Sheehan’s hair. Also, Daisy Lynum doesn’t know her mic is hot.
2:18 p.m.: OK, this is just boring talk about reading at school, even though we love Grand Avenue Elementary, so let’s go ahead and gaze at the agenda, shall we? Hmmmm, looks like we’re ranking the developers for the new OPD HQ that will be a bit west of the current locale, making room for the sports complex that nobody will go to. HOORAY, ORLANDO.
2:21 p.m.: While every volunteer in the room – soundtracked by Commissioner Robert Stuart saying “the next contestant on the new PRICE IS RIGHT.” – gets ready for pictures with the mayor, we should also note that today we’ll also be approving some much needed parking for the performing arts center and some nonsense funding the soccer stadium. Daisy still doesn’t know her mic is hot. OOOOOH, silence for photos. Then everybody leaves.
2:23 p.m.: There is talk of the “sexual assault” thing, and then some awkward laughter, because uh, sexual assault. We’re shuffling, people. This is to make room, and logical pacing, for the mayor’s own award he’s receiving for volunteerism, etc. A WOMAN FROM WASHINGTON, D.C. IS HERE, and here name is Jennifer; she works for Voices for National Service. She has fancy bangs.
2:26 p.m.: Technical difficulties. Imagine Buddy Dyer in the Hall of Presidents, minus volume for the first half of the presentation.
2:29 p.m.: EEEEEK, Lui Damiani (former county commish) is here to talk about the Victims’ Service Center, which he basically runs. So I don’t want to make jokes about Damiani’s hair right now. I really don’t. FORENSICS. LET’S TALK FORENSICS.
2:32 p.m.: There are “sexual assault teal ribbons.”
2:35 p.m.: Now we’re on to the “healthy weight” thing, with an introduction of Dr. Kevin Sherin from the Health Dept. I like Kevin. He is certainly weighted healthily. ALSO, HE SORTA MADE ME STOP SMOKING. (no he didn’t. money and grief did. but still).
2:37 p.m.: LOTS OF TALK ABOUT “WELLNESS.” Like that’s a thing.
2:39 p.m.: Someday I’m going to write a story about how everyone on city staff lost weight by eating only Nutella.
2:40 p.m.: OMG, YOU GUYS, EVERYONE IS GOING TO POSE FOR AN ‘I’M SKINNIER’ PICTURE RIGHT NOW
2:41 p.m.: (hint, some of you aren’t very skinny).
2:42 p.m.: JOKE WITH COMMISH INGS ABOUT THE COLOR OF HIS TIE! not funny.
2:43 p.m.: MAYOR’S UPDATED. WE’RE GETTING HUGE NOW. Talking about the East-West Grapefruit Line of Lymmo. Pictures, pink ribbons (grapefruit!). Updated on District 5 election. Regina Hill and Juan Lynum are in a runoff in May; no noises from Daisy. We’re paying another tech company to expand (QTI). Also, the DESIGN AND CONSTRUCTION OF THE NEW OPD HOME. Funded out of savings from GreenWorks Orlando. Wait, how did that program save enough money?
2:45 p.m.: Tony Ortiz just yielded his time. Robert Stuart, in an ADORABLE BLAZER, is talking about a “great budget workshop.” He also has like a bucket of water next to him. Three quick things: some kids fest thing, some dancing thing in college park, some fringe thing. So, Footloose. He’s excited, “anxious” even, about new OPD HQ. Abstaining from a sidewalk vote because it touches the Christian Service Center of which Stuart is God.
2:47 p.m.: Patty Sheehan’s fabulous hair is talking about gardens and SCOOTERS FOR HOOTERS, BECUZ BOOBS. Actually, awesome. Sheehan is glad the municipal planning board shut down substandard lot sizes. She’s glad Orlando Health is paying to help expand SODO neighborhood improvement.
2:48 p.m.: DAISY LYNUM HAS PROBLEMS WITH HABITAT FOR HUMANITY. All very inside-y. She’s glad about Parramore getting a LYMMO service. GRAPEFRUIT! “I’ve been here for 16 years, we’ve been moving that police station for 16 years,” she says. She’s rambling now. But she’s happy about a Parramore company that has a lot of minority/women participation. THIS IS DAISY’S LEGACY. “I’m just excited! I don’t see them here,” she says. “There he is,” says mayor. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize him. He has a little spiky hairdo like Patty’s.” ON TO SIDEWALKS. She met with Mayor Jacobs and that is to have Blueprint Office worked into the airport expansion bullshit; advertise jobs in Parramore.
2:54 p.m: Sam Ings, are you reading this? Everyone is trying to tell you to shut up more quickly. They all are. Inside, they are all boiling.
2:56 p.m.: TALK OF BANQUETS. NOT LISTENING.
2:59 p.m.: HE’S STILL TALKING AND DROPPING NAMES LIKE PIECES OF CANDY TO REMEMBER FROM WHENCE HE CAME
3:00 p.m.: SAM INGS, CAN YOU HEAR ME? THAT’S ME, SCREAMING AT YOU. ALSO, KICKING YOU UNDER THE DAIS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO THANK EVERYONE YOU KNOW, OR TALK ABOUT PETTING ZOOS OR FREE HAIRCUTS. PLEASE STOP TALKING. YOU ARE THE PULL OF A DRAIN. YOU ARE NOW TALKING ABOUT THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. YOU AREN’T EVEN TALKING, YOU ARE READING. YOU ARE RUINING EVERYONE’S LIFE RIGHT NOW. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ‘OPERATION POSITIVE DIRECTION.’ YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW JOE, YOU SAY? IS THAT CUZ YOU WERE A COP? PLEASE STOP. STOP NOW. “THE LAST THING I HAVE HERE…” IS ABOUT A SCHOLARSHIP GALA AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW. YOU’RE SPEAKING GREEK, BECAUSE SORORITY. I CAN’T HAVE THIS ANYMORE. STOP LOOKING AT THE REST OF THE DAIS LIKE THEY WANT TO HEAR YOU. THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHITE GOWNS AND BLACK TUXEDOS.
3:03 p.m.: Jim Gray is asskising the mayor about State of the City. He’s also abstaining from a vote because of a “business partner.” So that’s what they’re calling it. Now he’s loving him some slumlords. MOTION TO APPROVE. SECONDED. CONSENT AGENDA IS DEAD.
3:10 p.m: I just pissed while listening to CRA guy Thomas Chatmon talk and it was like the same sound. We’re talking about refurbished washing machines right now. DON’T ASK ME WHY. New tankless water heaters, too, all making up for a $40k MEBA grant for Sunshine Coin Laundry on West Livingston Street. Also, it’s 1976.
3:14 p.m.: DAISY LYNUM IS TALKING ABOUT LAUNDROMATS! SHE HAS GONE TO ALL OF THEM! She recommends some shrubbery and landscaping. I really don’t know what to say about any of this. Her washer went out apparently. She went to a ‘mat. Commissioner Stuart is talking about the lease aspect and $44k worth of requests, but they’re only getting $40k out of it. AH, 10 percent equity from the applicant. Stuart thinks that this could be a “building enhancement” because of the heaters; “philosophically, it seems to me that the landlord is going to end up getting something out of this based upon the agreement we have with the tenant.” Chatmon says that’s totally kosher. Capital improvements are allowed with MEBA grants. Daisy says water heaters are ESSENTIAL.
3:18 p.m.: Three ordinances you don’t care about. All about intensity/usage on certain properties. Daisy still doesn’t know her mic is hot.
3:20 p.m.: THE MEETING IS OVER. SO GLAD I LIVED THROUGH THIS. “GOOD JOB,” DAISY JUST WHISPERED INTO A HOT MIC.